"heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to run away"

I don't wear heels. I have all of about 4 pairs. The main reason behind this is because of some irrational, paranoid fear that they will prohibit me from running effectively should I befall a sudden hostile military takeover, natural disaster, extraterrestrial invasion, rampaging genetically malformed creature or basically any situation that would warrant me running for my life. It's ridiculous I know, but my 'flight' response must just be more prevalent.

Therefore, 5 inch platform sandals would HARDLY qualify. Only somehow I own a pair now....

(Becca, Tony Bianco)

These shoes terrify me. For starters they are HUGE; the platform, the solid heel! Putting them next to a normal shoe is the best example of their giganticness. While on, they are surprisingly stable but I had to take a full minute for my Achilles tendon to adjust to the height. But indeed they were pretty and so I contemplated the ridiculous idea of me owning them and ever wearing them out of the house. There was internal conflict.

S: Is it the price?
J: No.....the price is reasonable......
S: Well do you like them?
J: Yeah...they are really really nice and I don't actually own any heeled open-toed sandals.
S: But...?
J:.......these shoes have loose morals! What will people think? Of me?
S:.................BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
J: I THINK THEY ARE SKANKY
S: LOL no, they're fierce.
J: ARGH nooo! They send the wrong message! And they intimidate me! They have a past I bet! But they're kind of fantastic....

A similar conversation ensued later after I had purchased them and showed them to another friend.

J: I bought these really skanky platform sandals
A: Let me see! Oooh, they're hot. All your flats are going to be like "Look at her! I bet she's had sex with multiple partners...AT THE SAME TIME."
J: ....

Somehow I could totally picture shoes as bitchy school girls who make snarky comments like that.

Principal Gold: Malcolm, have you ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I...
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...

- J

PS. MAJOR MAJOR money spending/clothes buying has occured the past 3 days. We blame post-exam release. Pictures (FOR REAL THIS TIME) to come!